Restless

I haven't been getting much sleep lately; I'm not sure why.

It could only be due to sleep overdose - perhaps I've slept in one too many times and now I have to spend some awake time.

But it could also be due to other issues. Firstly, I may be sick and not really know it. I've had the bad ickle phlegm thing even though I didn't feel sick, and after going through a scratchy-growly-voice-phase I am now the owner of irritating and unprecedented coughing fits. Nothing too terrible, but it doesn't even seem to be for any particular reason - I don't feel sick.

Maybe I ran out of phlegm.

Anyway, aside from possible sickness, there's another reason that I may still be awake. Psychological issues.

I could be having trouble facing my future. Well, scratch that - I'm definitely having trouble facing my future.

Recap: Finished high school two years ago. Spent four months at a checkout counter, hated it, quit. Landed a position almost immediately as a trainee 'lighting technician' at the theatre. Full-time, paid, for one year. The short of it: I was screwed over by the training providers, and can serve as the average stagehand or a lighting assistant. I don't mind being a stagehand for a year, but I have a qualification that means next to nothing to me.

Traineeship finished in March. Planned to go to Uni in July. Thinking of something along the lines of creative writing, media/journalism, communication design (computers/multimedia). Course I was looking at vanished somewhere during the week I applied. Now have another 6-month gap to fill before I can go for Uni again.

Time enough to think, perhaps. And that's what I do. I think, 'hey, am I even sure this uni course is what I want to do?'. I realise there are so many options I've completely ruled out for no particular reason. So I return to the drawing board, get out a guide to all the universities in Australia, suddenly realise I don't have to go to university in Queensland.

Brain can't really process this. Narrow search to queensland universities. Area of interest: arts and communications. Four possibilities: Three in Brisbane, one here in Rocky (often ruled out for pointlessness). Time to check out course specifics.

Stop.

What am I looking for in a course? Why am I limiting myself to arts and communications? What do I really want to do, anyway? Perhaps I'm devaluing the time I've spent in and around the theatre. I know a fair bit about lighting, acting, backstage. I'm serving as Stage Manager to an amateur production... maybe I should be looking at theatre courses - seems like my strength, after all.

Do I want to work in theatre? What are my job prospects like? Do I want to spend a few small lifetimes behind the scenes?

Maybe I should be looking at learning something more useful. After all, I'm going to be paying thousands of dollars to learn this stuff, I'm going to have to get something useful out of it - like a job, maybe?

I've been checking the papers. The jobs are there if you have the right qualifications - experience in things like Administration, Plumbing, Mining, Hairdressing, Sales, Retail.Shit, do I really want to pay to spend the next few years of my life learning about marketing or office skills? Is that where I want my life to lead?

And in the midst of all this, I discover another landmine beneath my feet: Do I even WANT to go to Uni?

I surely don't want to put myself in debt. I've saved some money from the theatre work, but not enough to pay my way through Uni.

My older brother is in Brisbane, just finished Uni. He's had financial difficulties, and is highly dependent on our parents. He took an I.T. course for three years and realised he didn't want to be part of that industry. I don't want to find I've wasted that much time and money.

I don't have to go to Uni. Not next year, not ever.

Stop. Gotta think this through, gotta sort this out.

I can get a job here in town, save up some money, get a vehicle, get out of town. Go somewhere. Look around, see what's out there. Try something else. Settle somewhere for a while, get a casual job, maybe take a TAFE course and get some practical, useful skills. Mechanics, or repair work, or even carpentry. Mobile home. Living outside the boxes. Could find something worthwhile to write about!

Stop. Too much. Pull back.

Where am I now? I'm almost 19, living with my parents, unemployed... I don't even have a driver's liscence.

So maybe that's the first thing. Driver's liscence. Sure. Whether I go to Uni or go tripping, being able to drive will help. In the meantime, I can get a job. Close to home, while transport is limited. Money helps.

I don't want to be tied down. I don't want to be in debt. I don't want to be useless. I don't want to be isolated. I have to live somehow.

Stop. Too much. Shut down.

Trying not to think so much about the years to come. Trying just to deal with the present.
But now I can't sleep. I can't help myself. And I just don't know...