Passion

Unable to sleep early this morning, I got up and typed.

Be thankful that I realised my spiel was too long to post here. :)

The gist of it was this:

After checking on my choices for Uni, I realised that my course wasn't all I'd thought it would be - that it wouldn't teach me the practical skills used to put together or repair electronic devices, just the science, the theory, and the design skills.

Dad says the practical skills are the work of a technician; the theoretical, an engineer.

I decided If I was to study an engineering course at uni, I'd want the practical skills to go with it - and the usual way to study as a technician is to become an apprentice and/or study a TAFE course. I decided that this would be easier if I were to stay here, rather than move to the big city, as I would for uni.

My brother was of the opinion that I should study as an engineer first, and then as a technician, but he's been trying to get me out of the house and in Brisbane for a long time now. He thinks I should move regardless of what I study.

So I've been tossing up between engineering in Brisbane, and technician here, and with three days to change my preferences... I was not a happy chappie.

But the deadline has passed, and I submitted my application with Engineering in Brisbane at the top of the list, and Engineering here second (so that if I stayed here and trained as a technician, I would also be learning some of the skills of an engineer - even though you can't really specialise in Electronics at the university here). This means that I will probably be offered the Brisbane course in January, and if I decide against it I will probably be offered the course here in the second round. I'd bought myself time to think.

But the biggest problem I've encountered since I started thinking about doing Engineering has been motivation. There isn't any there. I mean, I definitely have an interest in Electronics, but if it was a serious passion, I'd be more interested than I am in reading the books Mum brings home from the library on the subject.

I've learned from high school that I can't be taught when my heart isn't in it. I'll babble my way through assingments, having not really understood the subject at all. Perhaps they'll see through the babble at uni, but that won't force me to understand the subject.

And I don't think I really have a passion for anything. Not electronics. Probably not acting - I don't think I'd ever have the will to force myself to find work in the industry. Music and writing are possibilities, but I don't have the skills for music, have never before shown a consistent drive for writing, and both areas are so difficult to build a career out of.

I can't think of anything that I would wholeheartedly leap at the chance to study. And although that worries me, it doesn't compare to the realisation that I might not have the motivation to do the things that I want when there is no-one pushing me to do it. As I was reminded by Pickwick a short time back, this is the difference between living and existing.

Passion. Motivation. Action.

And I find that I'm just existing.

I need to try to make myself live. The cleaning out of my room to help my focus has been part of that, but it's not enough.

I want to move out of home. Although the distractions of my family are (usually) welcome, I need to know that I can keep going without them. I need to stop depending on them to push me along. I need to buy and cook my own food, rather than taking it from where it magically appears in the fridge. I need to take care of my own clothes, wash my own dishes, provide for myself and live for myself. If I become financially dependent on my own money, I should be more motivated to find myself a job. If I become dependent on myself for transport, I should be more motivated to get my driver's lisence.

And if moving out doesn't make me any more motivated... then maybe I'm doomed to existence.